Lynphattyick Onodayisis

Lynfattyick Onodayisis (aka Model Nodel Syndrome) is certainly not one of the most common conditions known to the medical community. In fact only twelve cases have ever been reported. Pre-pubescent females are the most susceptible and while not necessarily deadly, the result may cause a great deal of discomfort and social unease resulting from partial, if not complete disfigurement.

Physical Effects

The primary and most noticeable effect is a swelling of the cranial area up to at least twice the original size and despite what popular culture would have us believe, there is no evidence to support the theory that there is an increase in both brain mass and intelligence. Studies have shown that the enlarged area is hollow and filled heated oxygen, creating an effect similar to a hot air balloon. This helps to remove the excess weight which may otherwise snap the neck.

Secondary characteristics may include expanding of the pupils to such an extant that the iris may appear vanish completely from view.  While the rest of the head remains smooth, the mouth and jaw area suffers from something akin to premature wrinkling  and the nose flattens itself against the face, although the reasons for this are yet to be determined. Mass hair loss is also prevalent in such cases.

  Pictured Above: Long-term Lynphattyick Onodayisis sufferer 

Frederich  D'Ann,  European Musican.

Early Detection

Unfortunately, as yet there is no known cure for Lynphattiyick Onodayisis once it is in the final stages. However, if early symptoms are detected in time, steps can be taken towards prevention.

These symptoms include:

• Peculiar lumps on top of the head  that have inexplicably grown spontaneously.
• Bruising around the lower legs and forearms.
• Dirty fingernails that do not stay clean for more than a day.

Remember: If hair is already falling out in clumps, it may be too late.

Preventative Measures

If you suspect that you do indeed have Lynphattyick Onodayisis and show signs of the corresponding symptoms, it is imperative that you refrain from talking as much as possible. The vibrations and movement from your vocal chords and jaw will only further irritate the lumps, accelerating the process. If this is impossible or impractical, a good idea is to speak in a lower register. Higher pitched frequencies cause faster and more jarring vocal vibrations.  Lemon curd should be applied to the forehead as the citrus will have a soothing effect if the facial muscles begin to stretch to compensate for the growing skull. Cut a potato in half and rub over the bruised areas on your forearms and legs to combat further growth. Finally, mash a banana onto a cutting board with your forehead and compress the lump using the banana peel. The manganese and potassium found in the banana will absorb the heated oxygen from the cranium and pass through the system as waste. Wait a few days for the swelling to reduce.

If symptoms persist or advance to the hair loss phase, it is encouraged to seek medical assistance.

-Doc W.








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At your service.

Greetings and Salutations, dear readers.

My name is H. Whouwitz, MD and PHD. If you don't believe me, look at my certificate. My nephew is a JP.

I specialize in the most obscure of bodily afflictions; if you can't name it, I know it. Also I am a firm supporter of folk remedies as opposed to fancy pants machinery and computer wizardry. Cutting edge my left ankle!

Stay tuned as I post advice on how to deal with the conditions that no-one else will touch!

- Dr. W.

(P.S.: If you are reading this Bernie, I'll post the fiver to you soon, I'm a little short at the moment.)